Rude Recipe: Stuffed Pork Loin

As asked for by the people of Brighton & Hove, BOAB is pleased to bring you a Rude Recipe- Mozzarella, Tomato and Spinach Stuffed Pork. This is so easy to any f**kwit could do it.

You’ll need:

1 pork tenderloin, medium size will feed 4-6 people
Packet of pancetta slices or streaky bacon if you’re a bit of a spiv
2 oz mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced
1/2 cup steamed or boiled until soft spinach, fresh
1/4 cup sun dried tomatoes, dry
2 garlic cloves, crushed
Salt and pepper to taste

Serve with:

Fresh vegetables of your choosing (not gonna tell you how to do this as most high functioning adults should, in this humble writers opinion, be able to boil a f**ing potato!)

Let’s Go:

-Preheat oven to 180C fan oven or whatever equivalent you use for your piece ‘o shite oven.

-Cut into the pork lengthwise so it can be opened up like slutty meat book. Don’t be a prick and cut all the way through (if you do cut the whole thing in half then wear the halves as meat socks or stuff them down your undies for a treat!)

-Rub the meat with a good pinch of salt, pepper and the garlic.

-Give it meat a gentle but right good hammering so it is malleable but not so much it becomes wafer thin. You’ll know when to stop you, or you should do!

-Get your tomatoes, mozzarella and cooked spinach, which I recommend you let cool so you don’t burn the f**k out of your wee snosage fingers, and cram it in your pork pocket. I do spinach first, mozz’ second and tomatoes third.

-Fold your meat flaps together as best you can so you’re left with a visceral looking sausage of pork. You can use tooth picks or cooking string to hold the chap together if you’ve been a bit heavy handed or overly generously with your stuffing.

-Place on a baking tray in the middle of your preheated oven and cook for 20-25 minutes. You want the meat juice to run clear and be piping hot.

-Let the sucka rest for 10-15 minutes on a cutting board and wrap it in foil while you wait. This will give the meat time to contemplate its impending doom.

-While waiting you could violently masturbate to pictures of Dame Judi Dench, start a small sacrificial fire to whichever fictional deity suits you or just look longingly out the window thinking of how your life could have been before you decided to bother cooking this delicious shit.

-When you’re done with whatever time-passing skullf**kery you get up to carve the meat into slices. If you’re now thinking “how thick should I cut it? errrhh the recipe doesn’t say?” Apply your limited common sense!

-Season and serve…


Thanks for reading you dangleberry! Next week we talk steak and how not to make a tit of yourself with it.



When most people think of a themed pub crawl it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. Vomit in the streets, borderline anarchy, brawls and worse! However I’ve had the pleasure of attending 2 themed pub crawls over the last couple of months that were of such giddying and lightly-deviant proportions that I feel it only fair to let the good people of Brighton & Hove know about them.

18222368_10158734579060232_2273444777558917272_nYellow Elephant Promotions (once more aptly, but crudely named ‘Wasted Promotions’)  hosts pub quizzes all around the world for up to hundreds of people at a time.

For only £5 you will be led around a variety of pubs in many cities, in our case Brighton, ending up a local hotspot, in our case PRYZM-which, by the way, was not as terrible as I remember. It was a lot safer, cleaner, had better music and the people seemed less likely to attack you for a pack of gummy bears!

My sister and brother-in-law introduced me to YPM’s delightful events starting with a Harry Potter bar crawl (I was dressed as Barry Potter-Brown Harry Potter- a character J.K. Rowling didn’t go for despite my many emails!) and a few months later a Star Wars pub crawl. It was a manic, busy, extremely entertaining and surprisingly well organised couple of affairs that saw around 600 people across both events covering 6 venues in staggered groups.

The venues consisted of Molly Malone’s, Walkabout, Tempest Inn and some others that are now a little hazy in my mind’s eye. But each one was decorated or themed to make you feel that bit less of plonker dressed to the nines in your get up.

16998787_10158375449170232_7190333923691378500_nAt each venue you received a different perk including photo ops, themed freebies, drinking game suggestions and gross but somewhat welcomed shots. My favourite gift of the two crawls being a degree from Hogwarts….so now I’m pretty much a mother fuckin’ wizard!

Anyhooooo, what really stood out was how people really went for it in almost every sense of the word. The costumes were stunning; from people wearing toilet seats mimicking Moaning Myrtle to Steam Punk Sith Lords, and everything in between.

Everyone bonded in a shared fanaticism of the evening and in such great numbers you damn near forgot you were in the real world.

Whether you were dressed as “that scar-faced twat” or “that shiny black fella with asthma” (two of my favourite quotes from other crawl goers), you were part of the group and the city was yours for the taking.

Yellow Elephant Promotions work really hard to make the experience worthwhile and seem to have a good relationship with the venues and locals, which makes a big difference when there are a lot of drunk young folk bellowing “it’s a trap” or “Avada Kedavra” at 2 in the morning!

I did think it would all be a bit naff and it was to a certain degree but for a fun packed evening with a load of people interested in the same ninnery as you it’s well worth is. Plus only a fiver!

Upcoming events include a Rick & Morty crawl, Superheroes & Villains Crawl and much more. Hopefully see you there!

The Salt Room Delivers The Goods for Brighton Cocktail Weekend

Did you know it was Brighton Cocktail Week from 18th-28th May? I foolishly didn’t until yesterday when I opened a card revealing a delightful pre-birthday present from my awesome older sister.

the-salt-room-restaurantShe, along with many people who have the questionable pleasure of knowing me, are aware that I do love a drink! As a result of this borderline addiction to the strong stuff  I was pleased to discover I would be attending The Salt Room that evening for a ‘Craft of The Modern Cocktail’ event.

It was put on for this gloriously boozy week that focuses on the many impressive bars, venues, mixologists and bartenders that Brighton has to offer.

I’ve been to tastings and drink events before (you may recall this dandy review ) but never one as magnificent as The Salt Room’s COTMC.

As I sipped a perfectly made Dirty Gibson waiting to be taken through to the private dining room (and yes it is hidden behind an arras!) I had a brief chat with award winning Bar Manager, Matt Ottley. He would be our guide on this fascinating tour of modern cocktail making.

18670881_10158828105835232_3891306729699438606_nI was hugely impressed with Matt, who has worked in Le Gavroche under Michel Roux Jr. This is a guy who’s not only very knowledgeable but extremely passionate about what he does. He is one of those few people in life who I genuinely believe loves his work and rightly sees it as an art form.

As our group was taken behind the arras (a word I rarely get to use unless I’m chatting about Hamlet… which is like never by the way, so you will see it being overused to my heart’s desire) we were seated in the intimate and decadently decorated area overlooking Brighton beach.

We began with a glass of prosecco and munched on in-house marinated nocellara olives and candied nuts throughout the evening.

18557077_10158828107830232_8913495388776884308_nThe following 5 cocktails were available for tasting, which are all available at the reduced price of £5 with your Brighton Cocktail Week wristband :

1: Bananegroni (My favourite of the evening.)

2: Tokyo to New York

3: Complex Cuban

4: Season’s Collins

5: Salted Happiness

I recommend trying every last one of these as they will blow the mind and tickle the taste buds of any cocktail lover. Be ye a novice or liver withered veteran there is something for everyone on this list of modernised classics.

Over the 3 hour experience Matt made an example cocktail from scratch, explained the rich history of the industry, the cocktails origins and gave a comedic telling of his career.

Although this was a special event for Brighton Cocktail Week Salt Room regularly hosts well priced, value for money cocktail experiences and supper clubs in a professional yet entertaining manner.

Overall this was a wonderful experience and ended with an unexpected flourish as I moved tipsily back through the arras. Matt answered all the groups questions and personally introduced me to new mezcals, tips and twists on classic cocktails.

To top it all off I bumped into none other than comedic legend and actor, Mr Steve Coogan of Alan Partridge fame!


If the rest of Brighton Cocktail Weekend is anything to go by then this city is in for one hell of a treat.


How The Duke of York’s made me think Eurovision isn’t Garbage!

I’ve always felt the Eurovision Song Contest was a pile of piss. Countries voting politically for seemingly pointless points as ninnys and wrong’uns belt out ‘tunes’ that would make any person lobotomise themselves!

18486232_10158777036715232_2932529391906583555_nHowever this year I had the pleasure of seeing an old chum and her family who invited me to the Duke of York’s, Brighton, Eurovision Song Contest Party. Of course I was sceptical and dreading sitting through 3+ hours of Graham Norton making ‘jokes’ and explaining the unnecessarily complex voting system.

However in a strange turn of events, that probably had a large part to do with the 2 bottles of wine, delightful company and I forgot Norton is actually hilarious, I am now hooked!

As we all took our seats and began what can only be described as a booze-filled-cinema-picnic a flamboyantly camp and enigmatic MC took to the stage to explain the evening’s itinerary. Myself and the 100+ other audience moments would indeed be watching all of the contest, however we could vote ourselves and make notes as an audience, get up and take to a dance floor set up in front of the screen but most importantly not take the thing seriously at all.

Unlike any other cinematic experience I have witnessed you became fully immersed in the showmanship, idiocy, piss-takery and tongue in cheek fun that is Eurovision.

From start to finish there was cheering, booing, ridiculous puns on ‘chicken kiev’ (it was set in Kiev by the way) and some great costumes as we all banded together to watch the contest.

nintchdbpict0003090296941Why Portugal (pictured yonder) won and not Moldova I have no idea and began to wonder if there had been some political, economic or natural disaster there I was unaware of; but that’s neither here nor there. What really stood out amongst the ballads, pyrotechnics and plagiarism was how there was a diverse community of people from all over the world all in this grand cinema to have a bloody good time!

Even I, as phenomenal a dancer as I am, couldn’t help but get up and dance among the many different people all celebrating diversity, this years theme, (despite the show being hosted by 3 seemingly affluent Caucasians- a point Norton made rather amusingly at the start).

I have it on good authority that Duke of York’s will be hosting the party again in 2018 and really recommend you get a group of people to attend and just see it for yourself. It was hilarious yet incredibly moving.


Although we didn’t win, the unity and support for our very own Lucie Jones and her impressive effort was lovely.

So, well done Duke of York’s for turning my Eurovision frown upside down with an event that is just sooooo Brighton it damn near brings a tear to your eye. I will certainly be back with a spring in my step… as long as fucking Jedward never make an appearance-pretty sure they were the ones that ruined it for me in the first place.

Bring on Eurovision ’18!

You’ve Got to Pho-king Try This…

Vietnamese food has rightly taken Brighton by storm and continues to grow in popularity and prestige. Newest kid on the block is the cheekily named Holy Phok on Landsdowne Place that offers a plethora of delicious dishes.

BOAB visited this charmingly intimate farm to table restaurant on 07th April, that proudly uses free-range meat and vegetables sourced from Sheffield Farms, and grows many of its own Asian herbs and spices as part of a social enterprise called, Roots to Growth.

I had the pleasure of a dinner sitting but you can order online too. Now, down to tasty reviewing business…

Being a lover of affordable culinary experiences I have to start off by praising Holy Phok’s fabulous value for money. With starters/snacks from £3.50 and mains from £9.25 you’ll receive generous portions that will leave you fuller than a chubby fella at a food festival, and I would phok-ing well know.

HPWe had the pleasure of sampling a range of delights on the menu but most notably for me the VESTO starter (a delicious Vietnamese pesto made with home-grown coriander, garlic, roasted peanuts and chilli. Served with an impressive amount of black sesame crackers.)

This was swiftly followed by a CHARGRILLED STEAK & TAMARIND GLASS NOODLE SALAD (An enormous, healthy and fresh combination of Free-range Sussex bavette steak marinated in apple and soy overnight, house-smoked cherry tomatoes, pickled carrots, radish, fried shallots, Vietnamese farm herbs, toasted peanuts, sesame seeds, vermicelli noodles and dressed with their own tamarind and chilli Vietnamese dressing.) I was blown away and you will be too!

There is something for everyone at Holy Phok including 2 impressive Pho bowls- though I imagine folk with certain food allergies may be a tad limited, but the place is very accommodating and willing to please.

Holy-Phok-Brighton-600x395The food was incredibly well prepared, cooked and presented and will no doubt give Pho, Brighton a run for it’s money.  Especially when combined with the attentive service, excellent waiting staff and beautifully quirky street food dining ambience.

It should also be noted that Holy Phok has a small but expertly crafted selection of cocktails and, never being one to turn down a the booze-ahol, recommend the simple yet refreshing Lemongrass Gin. This tasty number is a perfect accompaniment to Holy Phok’s food and was made with-yep you guessed it- gin, lemon grass, mint and tonic

I can’t praise Holy Phok enough and suggest you book a table immediately, in fact do it now…go on, off you phok!

Josh McGovern + Support- A Review

On Thursday 30th March BOAB was delighted to review more of Brighton’s ever diverse music scene.  This time I had the pleasure of reviewing a Josh McGovern + Support gig presented by Redwing Events at The Hope & Ruin on Queen’s Road. Accompanying me, as guest reviewer and evening chum, was actor and children’s entertainer Mr Jonathan Craze.

Hope & Ruin’s upstairs venue space proved to be an excellent arena for this 4 act gig and although proceedings started with a smaller audience than expected it soon became rammed with music lovers of every kind listening hypnotised to each performance or moving their feet pint o’ lager in hand.

fileWe thoroughly recommend you check out all the links to these brilliantly talented musicians. but let’s begin with Lec, a young Brighton based songwriter and guitarist with a melodic alternative folk feel to his sound.

This young man had a wonderful voice which bordered on the angelic when often hitting an impressive falsetto.

His guitar work was superb and clean cut making him a very talented solo artist, who offered up an array of soporific and mesmerising original material. If I had one ‘fault’ it was that perhaps he could have done with a band or another instrument to add further depth to a clearly beautiful sound. Lec kicked things off with confidence and true skill.

file1Up next was a band that blew the audience away- 80s pop and soul inspired 4 piece, Burnz. They had a marvellous rapport with the audience and each other, offering a relaxed yet professional set of original songs that gave you the tingles. Their sound was predominantly punchy, loud, cleverly crafted and well-executed as each band member added another layer to a rich hubbub.

Although an original sound, in as much one can create these days, there was a charming almost nostalgic feel to Burnz that had hints of the Stone Roses, Mike & The Mechanics and The Darkness. They managed to build an enjoyable suspense and anticipation leaving all of us wanting more. These guys are special and stood out in Mr Craze’s mind especially.

file2Charlie and the Villas created a dream like ambience that we could only describe as the humid calm before a storm. Clearly lead singer Charlie and the band are talented and very able but there was a slightly disinterested feel to them that the audience couldn’t shake.

They are certainly a good, even great, band and took clear inspiration from Sampha, City and Colour, The Beatles and The Style Council.

Sadly though the increased volume of the band and an eventual decision to lower the harmonies volume meant that poor Charlie’s subtle, yet beautiful voice and original lyrics were sometimes lost to its instrumental counterparts.  I would very much like to see these guys again as they’re clearly onto something and their recorded sessions are very impressive. I believe they will be ones to watch as their confidence increases.

file3Now where does one begin when speaking about Josh McGovern? This young man who is soon to release his debut EP commanded the stage with the support of an awe-inspiring 6 piece band. Each part of the original music and lyrics was carefully crafted and designed to produce this raw, powerful, sexy and deep sound that reminded us of Hozier or Rag’n’Boneman. You can see why Josh and his band were headlining!

Of course, everyone who performed was worth watching in many respects, but something about the the confident feel of this band and their passionate, skillful delivery of a heavy, day-dreaming Americana, filtered through a distinctly English folk sensibility was sublime.

The earthy voice of McGovern mixed with haunting female and male backing vocals (pleased to see the lead singer of Burnz reappear to pick up that mantle), amazing guitar riffs and some essential drumming support culminated in a show stopping, otherworldly feel that transcended the venue itself.

I cannot speak highly enough about Josh and the band, they filled the room with a palpable buzz and tied all the musical elements of the evening together. If you get the chance to see this lot live don’t hesitate for a second as you will regret not being able to say ‘I watched those guys for a fiver in the Hope & Ruin before they were ridiculously famous and went platinum and now all their tickets for the O2 have sold out…” 

It was a smashing evening that bought together a mix of musical talents, styles and people of all ages.

As always BOAB readers keep checking out this fair cities musical delights, as lots of these musicians will be performing in a variety of venues either for free or at very reasonable prices over the coming weeks.

Huge thanks to Mr Craze, Tiggy Saucell, Redwing and The Hope & Ruin.

Gorran Kendall at Patterns- A Review

It feels that life of late, with its many arseholeries, has been getting in the way of me exploring more of Brighton’s effervescent music scene and presenting it to fine BOAB readers like yourself. So, I was thrilled when invited to Patterns on Marine Parade last night to bear witness to some impressive live music ripe for the reviewing.

Presented by QM Records, an independent label founded by the famous Normanton Street, the night would feature music across 2 floors with the following main acts: Hava, The Upside Down, Gorran Kendall, Sami James & Matt Murphy.

I was attending predominantly to review Gorran Kendall and his band who I’ve seen busking around Brighton. However the night turned out to be rather special, with all acts I managed to catch bringing something fresh, inventive and entertaining to the table.

Gorran, who swaggered enigmatically into the spotlight has an impressive stage presence and obvious crowd pleasing charisma that reminded me of characters forged from the mind of literary iconoclast Jack Kerouac. The Brighton based lad was surrounded by an enviably nomadic aura further confirmed by his current situation of “getting by busking and playing gigs for a living.”


He plays and write songs both acoustically and with a full band. His style incorporates both the contemporary and popular with obvious roots in folk, country and rock music. He clearly takes inspiration from The Sex Pistols, David Bowie and Bob Dylan to create poignant, punchy and at times hard hitting songs.

The set was predominantly fast, loud and made you want to move, but what stuck in my mind as I sat, classic can of red stripe in hand, gazing up at this striking musical titan was just how little anything seemed to matter. This gravelly powerful voice, stream of raw guitar riffs and heavy drum beats were providing a form of musical escapism for everyone in the club.

The mundane aforementioned arseholerie (this will catch on as a phrase btw) was pushed from thought as I tapped my tootsies to the sound of the band and the ever increasing buzz of the Patterns crowd.

Gorran and the 4 other band members not only sounded the part, showcasing original material, but looked and acted it too. They dressed well, in that wonderfully carefree look only thinner people over 6ft can achieve and had an amazing rapport with the crowd. A highlight for me was Gorran playing his guitar with such vigour he took a string off the thing. However with professionalism and bit of tongue in cheek humour cracked on and the band jammed away while he fixed the issue.

Overall it was a fun, carefree evening of sublime music and one that will stick with me for sometime.

All the bands I saw were insanely talented but I thoroughly recommend you check you Gorran’s SoundCloud, Facebook and YouTube pages to get a full range of his and the band’s talent, and any upcoming gigs.